I’ve had a sensation in my chest that’s been there since January. I've known what it was since it appeared, my body telling me that another wave of grief and sadness needs to be released. Like a wounded animal I’ve spent time trying to find the right space and time to allow this wave of emotion to take hold of me and I’ll admit that I’ve feared letting it happen. Not out of what release of emotion that it will bring, I know this part - I have the first place medal for tears and letting emotion out just ask my family - but of what happens after, I’m afraid I’ll lose her. I’m afraid that by grieving and letting go, she’ll go too - What I have left of her.
Isn’t it such strange human behaviour to cling onto what we know isn’t good for us because of a sense of security and safety. We adapt to pain and grief, let it reside within us - carry it around the heavy weight that it is - pretending we’re fine, pretending this is normal, keeping a lid on what our intuitive instinct is telling us, ignoring the part of us that knows us best. How is this safer and more secure? Because it’s known? What’s known brings comfort, unknown brings excitement wrapped up as fear.
I’m afraid of losing my Mum who’s already gone and I’m afraid of losing the last of the crumbs of the version of myself that is still taking up residence within my sacred vessel but she knows as well as I do that it’s time to move on.
My Mum has been more present in my life since she left her body. All I have is more to gain yet this physical grieving process is so necessary. It’s how we honour and allow our human experience to do what it’s meant to do. Let us learn and let us experience.
The wave finally came today, I finally found the safe haven to allow it, feel it, be it. It came with the crashing of the oceans, it came with the equinox, it came with the lunar eclipse. The portal of growth and release. The last eclipse portal enveloped my soul journey through Egypt, where I laid my Mothers ashes upon the lands that birthed her, laid the tiny fragments of her sacred vessel between the paws of the Sphinx and within the queen’s chamber. She was never small to me. Even though she thought she was, she was everything I needed as her daughter.
My heart pounded as I finally allowed the emotion to rattle and shake my body this evening. The wave upon wave upon wave that this day has been. Her heart is within my heart. Forever beating, just like my heart is within my daughter's heart. Forever our hearts beat as one.
So now I grieve for myself. Goodbye to who once was, the unrecognisable, the heroine of my story so far, but she’s ready to retire, move on, take a rest, go with my Mum. Who am I to continuously try to stop her?
Life is a cycle, as one phase ends another begins. As we dream our vision of the future we must remember to accept the process of dying unto ourselves. Our great Mother taught us this and reminds us each and every moment, with each breath we take, with each dawning and each dusk of day. The night must come, it always comes, but with it comes rest, regeneration and starlight. Rest and ready yourself now, for a new day and a new you is Becoming.
Written on 26th march.
Gemma x