Being a mother is challenging isn’t it?
A huge part of you is constantly focused on your children.
Every waking moment you are dedicating time to ensuring their wellbeing, their happiness, their own path of learning, whilst doing your best to be you, and be a good example to them.
Back in February we were met with a change in circumstances that we really didn’t expect; we had been homeschooling my daughter in quite a relaxed and proudly feral way, allowing her to be free and to learn and grow at her own pace when all of a sudden she plateaued, lost interest and was craving stimulation we couldn’t provide her.
This led to a sequence of smooth flowing synchronicities that ended up with our daughter starting school full time within 3 weeks.
I cannot really put in to words the emotions that flooded through me in this time, but my body had a good way of expressing it as my heart began having palpitations - this really was pulling and unnerving me as a mother in so many ways but I also knew it was the right things to do.
During one of many restless nights on the lead up to her first day I was joined by my daughters soul who expressed so beautifully that it was her leading this, that she is a worker of the light and that her task begins by shining amongst other children, that both of us as her parents had listened, heard her call and acted in her best interests.
Then I was met with happiness and guilt all at once because that message had given me comfort in knowing it was her path and allowed me to feel into what this would mean for me.
Time. This is what it would mean for me. Time beyond comprehension. I am a person that needs alone time, it is fuel to me, to my soul, it is my way of rejuvenating myself and I realised that I would have this time that I had been secretly craving for some time. Well actually a really long time.
Then came guilt and more palpitations but I centred myself and promised to take each day as it comes and to have my daughters interests as my focus until she is fully settled into school, or whatever other form of education this leads us to.
What I really didn’t prepare myself for was the adjustments her tiny little body and immune system would have to go through.
That guilt I was feeling was nothing compared to the despair and helplessness I have been feeling each and every weekend when another cough or cold or fever seems to be setting in. But once again her soul spoke loudly and told me that THIS IS HER PATH. SHE HAS A LIGHT TO SHINE TOO. She is purging, she is adjusting, be her guardian but do not interfere.
Can you imagine how this feels? To want to take away the suffering and discomfort of your child, the light in your life who you are solely responsible for but know that you will actually be interfering?!
But I had to step back, detach, difficult as it is, I must lovingly step back.
And now, over two months in she is flourishing, she bounces out of school, looking around for her friends, taking in the behaviours of her peers, something her dad and I could never have fully given her. She started reading with me at bed time - something she point blank refused to do when I was mum and teacher. She has seen what friendships and relationships outside of her family can offer her and one of the most heart warming things has been how lovingly the children have accepted her. Seen her beauty inside and out. Her relationship with her older sisters has flourished too, as they now have common ground.
So what did I do with my time? I stepped more fully into my role as a beacon of light, I received and am working through initiation after initiation as I accept more and more of my divine responsibilities. I’ve worked more and been able to dedicate more time to my work of service. I practice and learn who I am, how I can be of service.
As a mother, I feel that the time now spent with my daughter is precious, loving, dedicated, I am glowing inside as she tells me of her day and what she has learned. I am present when she needs me to be instead of exhausted from constantly tending to her needs.
I am so grateful for this experience and all it has taught me.
But I have began to run before I can walk where some things are concerned and for that I am also grateful for it is showing and teaching me patience, self love and respect. How and when to say yes and when to say no.
It’s also been a huge lesson in expectation.
And one of the biggest lessons out of all of this is one that has humbled me greatly.
One of our reasons for homeschooling in the first place was about wanting to be out of the system, we wanted freedom for our daughter and for ourselves and we had spent a great deal of time and effort believing that detaching from society would help us achieve that freedom. So when this turn in circumstances happened we were a little shaken as it felt as if it was going against our beliefs. But as Eti walked into school on the first day I drove back home and was met with all of my senses being lit up at once, showing me that I’d been seeing things from an outdated, limiting perspective. Pulling away from society wasn’t the solution, shining my light and breaking the system apart is the way, that’s what Eti is going to do. And just as she has flourished I am flourishing too. Just as she is stepping out and making new friends, I am too. Just as she is learning how to be herself, her true authentic self amongst others, I am too. So now I accept the system, for I know it will change as I shine my light within it and meet all the others shining their light within it too.
Each and every experience in our lives is a lesson. Some we can comprehend, some we can’t. Some we can gage the lesson we’re going through, some we can’t understand the lesson until we’ve been through it and broken down the limitations we’d placed on ourselves. Some lessons are complex in nature due to serving not just you but many souls all at once. But each and every lesson leads you upwards, breaks away the parts of you that are no longer needed in your higher role. Each and every lesson shapes you.
This is what healing is afterall, learning the lessons. Facing them, moving through them. No matter how hard they can be.
This is a very personal share and I feel quite vulnerable as I’m writing this yet I feel guided to show this part of myself.
Each of us has a purpose, those who chose the path without parenting in this lifetime have many roles and jobs to do which can sometimes make me as a parent wishful of their lifestyle, their freedom, their spontaneity. But I am also becoming more and more aware of the role I serve as a parent and as a worker of the light in my highest service. Each of us is connected and carrying out exactly what we need to, to place the pieces of the cosmic puzzle back together in wholeness. And this once again brings me back to the lessons, I could not learn what I signed up to in this lifetime without being a parent, so for that I am grateful.
So I say with sincere love and gratitude that each and every moment even the hardships of parenting and being a guardian of this little ray of light fill me and teach me and assist me in continuing to learn and re-member who I divinely am and I hope that this encourages you to see your path, your life, your role, the highs and the lows as the loving lessons that they are.
With love from my heart to yours,
Gemma xx